I Was Better Yesterday…
8 months ago, I was really different. I don’t know if I was better during that time compared today or not. I should be better today than yesterday, but I realized I’m not.
I read my Yamii blog this afternoon. It’s a devotional blog I made like more than a year ago. Then now, it’s no longer updated. What made me cry at this moment are my articles from Archives September 2008, where I’ve written things about my emotional sufferings last year, particularly, before going here in US. My passion for writing and for God really showed as I wrote my holy grief and shared all my doubts and faith. When I was reading my articles, it’s like I was reading from someone else blog— someone who shares her faith to the Lord and strength despite all her tribulations. Now, I don’t know if I can see the Imari (who was known Yamii too) who can write and move the heart of people through her battles in life. My desire is to write and bring the glory of God to others; encourage them, break the differences among people, love and empathize to others and help them find hope and joy in Jesus. My readers who journeyed with me on my blogs know how about it.
After arriving here in US, a lot of things really changed. My relationship to God weakened; I felt so dry. I started not experiencing heavy problems, like everyday got light. I didn’t have to worry a lot for material things because as if everything was provided. In short, it seemed that I didn’t need God–I didn’t need to pray or cry before Him. I could not be easily convicted and I often sinned. I stopped doing my devotion, I didn’t want to go to the church. Well I guess my readers noticed that I stopped writing about my spiritual journey. God seemed to be so far from me.
I am not as better as yesterday. I was better yesterday.
I am here today in USA where as if everything is in me now—family, education and privilages. I’ve shared before that this is one of the greatest promises of God to me. He didn’t fail it and I can say that I’m already here in the promised land. But I want to tell you that until now, I am still wandering in this new land. I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what to do.
Until God reminded me His promises and my shared plans to Him before I got here through a an article last September 1, 2008. It was the time when I almost gave up in hoping for my visa to arrive but the Lord encouraged me to wait and hope for the good things.
Now, I don’t know how to start all over again. As I can see with my faith today, it gets weaken. But of course my desire for the Lord never ceases in me because I could barely feel His love for me. Maybe I just need to share again how I really feel to others. I also need people to advice and journey with me. I want to write purposefully again and touch others’ lives.
I need wisdom. I need God! I need to go back to the cross and start all over again. I need to be better than yesterday.
Remembering..
At this midnight, I looked back to my blog in Wordpress which was made more than a year ago. Guess what, as I was reading from my ever first post up to June 2008 archives (I didn’t finish it), I felt so good. Of course I got ashamed of myself too because I realized that I was really emotional and immature during the times I was writing my daily posts. But those emotional times I had were actually, like precious stones I’m counting. The memories of my life are worthless. That’s why it’s very nice to keep your own journals because you can go back to them after so many years. I’m happy reading all my journals over and over again.
For days, I noticed I’m becoming so emotional. When I’m alone, I can really feel… alone! So all I have to do is to blog write.. Ok, I won’t assume anymore that someone is reading this. But anyways, reading my past memories made me realized how I transformed. From confusions to worries to happiness to joy to tears to struggles.. I also noticed how God really helped me overcome everything..
Lately, instead of thanking, I was more on grumbling. About my boring life, about this empty life of mine. Worries are attacking me. But again, I am realizing that, if I have overcome my struggles in the past, what more with my present? I remembered how positive I was, how patient I was, how thankful I was, how waiting I was. Can I not become the same or better now? Of course I can!
I almost forgot God’s promises to me… on how He will help me, on how He will use me, on how He will give me everything, on how He will make me strong in this beautiful land he brought me. I almost forgot I’m already in USA, this land that He promised. i almost forgot to trust Him.. almost forgot to surrender my emotions, my heart.
I thought I already had the best of my life and my life tomorrow will never be as beautiful as yesterday. I was wrong. Now, God is reminding me that He still loves me despite the fact that I almost forget my love for Him that I used to have. He’s telling me that the rest of my life is the best of my life.
Now, I’m getting okay. Instead of worrying, I must remeber the good times I talked to the Lord about my future plans. Everyday must not be the end but a beginning. Now, I’m remembering how to make this thing I called life worthwile everyday again. 
Never-Been-Seen-Before Slideshow
I was like opening my account in Slide.com when I saw this funny slideshow I made more than a year ago. I’m not really into making slideshows but I want to share this never-been-seen-before slides of me and my co-theater mate and friend, Brenz. I believe he’s really a good actor. This is just for fun!
One Friday Crazy and Idle Morning
SOUL MATES??
By My Hidden Soul
♥ Call Him.. Call Your First Love ♥
Ever tried calling someone whom you know will answer? Your soul faints, your heart misses him. Then finally, he came telling how much he misses you too. You listen to a song that reminds you of his promises–never failing and endless– and he keeps on whispering I love you.
How could you live without him? How could you sing and write when the only melody you produce and the only word you say is him? Without him, you’re dead coz he is the source of your life. He is your life, your survival, your only hope, and your light.
Once, you said you’re fine with your gold, and with your silver you can be happy. But on his love, you will find more than a diamond or a pearl; something you can call serenity. Tomorrow won’t be forever; all these things shall pass away. But he promises he’ll always stay.
You thought he’s gone and has forgotten you. Flowers stopped blooming for you, no more birds’ chirping in the mornings. And as the snowflakes find its ending on the ground, it becomes the starting point of your helplessness. Coldness creates emptiness.
Call him again, promise, he’ll answer. He never forgets you, but forgets your shortcomings instead. All these things have been erased by his love that keeps no record of your past. Now stand up and have hope… the hope you used to have. Start remembering him.. call him.. call your first love.
-yam’s hidden soul-
