So Missing Him… Stepping Forward… Coming Home… :(
My spirit truly seeks for a church, a place where I can say, “I belong here.” The church I’ve been attending was a great church, it was a nice church. I don’t have any problems because I’m surrounded with Christian people. But it seems like my spirit is leading me into somewhere else, where I can glorify God by dancing and clapping and singing and shouting and leading more people to Christ. And this morning, I really asked Him a direction, and it’s great that He answered me immediately. The pastor said we have to step forward of our faith by involving ourselves in fellowships and groups and if it is not the congregation our spirit seeks, we have to follow it and go to a congregation where it will lead us… where we can grow spiritually and enjoy our fellowship. And it seems I don’t find it there (but honestly, it’s really a wonderful church). It’s just happened that I’m in need of a FULL-GOSPEL CHURCH. That’s it. I know God will lead me there.
This Sunday morning in a service, during the praise and worship, I cried to God and really told Him, “I so miss You, Daddy!” 
I really need to go home. I miss Him so badly. Material things, even my good relationship with other people are not enough to make me happy. Fame, wealth, good health, whatsover, won’t make my life. Life is meaningless without God. I don’t want to be empty. (Life is really empty without God so we need to have God in our lives) It cried me more when He said, “I miss you more! Come home! I’m waiting.”
My Realizations…
You know what, I realized something last night. Do you still remember about my Christmas and B-day wish list? I realized I don’t deserve them; the pooch and even the macbook. I mean, I deserve to have them… but not too soon. I realized I was having a less quality and quantity time with God which resulted to being sad these past few weeks. Did you notice it? I felt so distant with Him and even some circumstances affected my relationship with Him. I was weakened with some of my troubles and struggled a lot with myself–how I will manage my thoughts, my emotions, my time and myself. I thought I was trusting Him fully with my daily situations but I wasn’t. I became worried with the arrival of my visa and with my school-dropping. I was standing like I can really do this or that but I was just working on my own strength. As I lay down my bed, I felt uncomfortable and started to tell God that “Lord, I know it’s not you, it’s me.” And then I was demanding my material rewards on December from God but here I am, doing nothing?
I really cried last night after I read a statement on the Purpose Driven Life. It says there “God does not care about your career but He cares about your character.” His Spirit drew me into a conviction: “Dad, i was busy asking you a lot of things–my wishes, what characters my future spouse will have, change in me and my goals– but when You ask me to talk with You and have fellowship with You, I often neglect You. And with this, I am missing Your revealing voice. Now, i don’t need the macbook and the pooch. It’s ok if there will be no surprises on my birthday. What’s important to me now is that I must return to your presence. What’s important in my life is You! I’m so sorry!”
I slept crying and still down to repentance. It was the time again that I called Him “Daddy” after how many weeks, honestly. (I felt like I could not forgive myself for everything I’ve done to Him. For being cold to Him… where in fact, He has already forgiven me.)
Until He reconfirmed His extravagant love for me today in our church. I could not explain all the details. I received so much Word from Him and He answered all my questions that I seek for anwers. He even led me to know my emotional problems and made me troubleshoot them. I realized that I had things that I have to give up. I realized I am so unfaithful and lazy. I realized I have few people whom I did not forgive yet (even I said I don’t hold grudges to them). I realized I was trying to solve my problems with my own strength. I realized I was self-pitying (though I said “This isn’t self-pity). I realized I have forgotten Him… my relationship with Him.
I can’t say anything but thank you, Jesus. Your love extravagant. 
