I Listened to My Heart in the Shower
“As I listened to the sound of water that created music to my ears, I also listened to my heart… I cried so hard yet silently, and could barely feel my tears touching my wet, warm face.”
This evening, I went to take a shower, as usual. Having been worried with all the things that happen to my life now, I decided to take a deep breath first, then asked God what to do and how to deal with my emotions. I noticed that I was always concentrating with my my feelings, rather than trusting God. I tend to worry and reach to a state of manic depression sometimes. In the morning, I get my highs, then during the evening was the opposite. My mind was a mixing bowl of emotions–name all those; I’ve got a salad of positive and negative sentiments to offer to you. At night when I go to bed, I always try to ask myself what in the world is happening to me. I, a sanguine during the day, suddenly turned into melancholic at night. Something negative from my heart must come out to relieve stress and despair. This is what I’ve been trying to figure out.
On the previous weeks and months, I tried to express myself but I couldn’t. It made me depressed and frustrated at times. I know what’s wrong is nothing on the external; what’s wrong was myself—something inside of me. I also felt being better yesterday than today, because I thought of being more significant in the past than in the the present. I realized that I should have not thought of it because as a child of God, I must become better everyday even if I live in a world that is actually getting worse.
*reflections*
So I opened the faucet and placed myself at the center of the bath tub. The cold water from the shower suddenly turned warmer. I sat like I was hugging my knees. I heard nothing but the sound of the water running through my head. As I listened to the sound of water that created music to my ears, I also listened to my heart. My heart said that once in a while, I can listen to him to figure out what’s wrong with my feelings—do not take this for granted because I won’t find any solution for that, only to know exactly what’s bothering me. Then I talked to God. I confessed what I needed to say to Him. I told Him how much I missed Him, and how much I’m having a problem with my self-esteem, thought management and everything. Soon the water gave a soft massage at my back. It reached my face and I could feel its warmth. I cried so hard yet silently, and could barely feel my tears touching my wet, warm face. I was feeling relieved, like a great junk from my heart came out. Before I couldn’t say what I wanted to say, but this time, I felt different.
I came out of the bathtub and brushed my teeth. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt kinda relieved. My heart spoke again and told me: “Don’t trust me, don’t trust your emotions. Trust Him who holds you and me.”
And then my eyes and the eyes from my reflection gazed at each other for a minute.
Hihingi Ka Rin Ng Tawad
Alam nyo, may inilathala ako sa friendster bulletin board last October 26. Ito yung oras na malungkot ako at gusto kong ipaabot sa isang tao ang nararamdaman ko. Syempre, hindi directly ang pagkasulat ko. Sus, alam nyo naman ako di’ba, idinadaan ko na lang sa figures ang gusto kong sabihin. Madalas man akong ma-misunderstand, eh hinahayaan ko na lang. Basta ako, nasabi ko na ang gusto kong sabihin at tunay nga na nakakatulong sa akin ang ganung style. Ewan ko ba, masaya lang ako kapag nagsusulat ako. Lalo na kapag malungkot ako, idinadaan ko na lang sa blog. By the way, may nabasa kasi akong post na feeling ko may kinalaman sa akin ang message. At may kinalaman yun sa post ko dun sa bulletin board. Kaya gusto ko lang i-interpret yung ginawa ko. Ayoko nang mag-leave ng questions. (Pero ayos lng kung marami pa ring tanong..wooh! Maganda rin palang maging magulo minsan! hehehe…) Hindi ko alam kung nababasa ng taong iyon ang blog ko na ito, dahil hindi ko alam kung may pakialam sya dito. Ayos lang… Heto yung message, i-pe-paste ko dito.
Luluhod ka rin, Tala sa Silangan
Darating ang araw na ikaw, ikaw na isang talang napakalayo sa akin, ay luluhod at hihingi ng tawad dahil sa pagpili mong saktan at talikuran ako–ako na pinakamagandang bituin sa langit. Hindi ko sinusumpa ang kinang mo ngunit, gusto ko lang sabihin na wala ka nang ibang makikitang bituin, na tulad ko, na tunay na magmamahal sa iyo na kagaya ng buwan. Sinlaki man ng araw ang kasalanan mo sa akin, ang pagmamahal ko naman sa iyo ay sinlawak ng kalawakan.
Alam ko nahihirapan kang intindihin ito, kasi ayaw mo talaga itong intindihin. Ikaw ay isang tala sa silangan, at ako naman ay nasa kanluran. Hindi tayo magkaabutan. Gayun pa man, masaya na ako na nakikita kita kahit na sa malayuan. Pinilit kitang abutin ngunit hindi kita maabot sapagkat ikaw ay tila lumalayo sa akin; nagtatago sa malungkot at madilim na kalangitan. Ako ay umaasa na darating ang araw na maiiintindihan mo rin ang lahat ng ito. At ang araw na iyon ay malapit na. Kung hindi man dumating ang araw na ‘yon, o kung mahuli man ang lahat, alam kong may dahilan kung bakit nangyari iyon.
Salamat sa kahit konti mong pag-intindi. Mahal na mahal kita, tala, simula pa nung ikaw ay isilang ng diwata ng mga bituin. Ako ngayon ay humihikbi at nalulungkot dahil hindi mo makita ang pagmamahal na nais kong ipaabot sa iyo, bagkus, ikaw ay nabubulag ng iyong kawalan ng pananalig sa lumikha sa atin. Ikaw ay nabubulag sa poot na idinulot ko sa’yo. Ako ay tunay na nalulungkot.
Pag dumating ang araw na mapagtantuan mo na ikaw ay gusto nang lumuhod sa akin, sabihin mo lang, hindi ko na hahayaang humalik pa ang iyong mga tuhod sa lupa.Labis na nalulungkot ngunit patuloy na sa iyo’y nagmamahal,Bituin/Tala sa Kanluran
Hihingi ka rin ng TawadDarating ang araw na ikaw, ikaw na aking kasalungat sa lahat ng bagay, ay hihingi ng tawad dahil sa pagpapasakit at pagtalikod na idinulot mo sa akin. Hindi ako galit sa iyo, ngunit gusto ko lang sabihin na wala akong katulad at ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo ay singtunay ng buwan. Marami ka mang kasalanan sa akin pero lahat ng iyon ay natabunan na ng pagmamahal ko para sa iyo.Alam kong mahirap intindihin ito, kasi ayaw mo talagang intindihin. Iba ka sa akin at tayo ay tunay na magkasalungat. Madalas hindi tayo nagkakaintindihan at nagkakasundo. Pinilit kitang intindihin ngunit hindi kita maabot dahil ikaw ay patuloy na lumalayo sa akin; ginagawang malungkot ang iyong buhay. Umaasa ako na darating ang araw na maiintindihan mo rin ako at malapit na iyon. Ngunit kung magkahiwalay man tayo at hindi mangyari iyon, alam kong may magandang dahilan ang lahat.Salamat kasi kahit konti, alam kong pinipilit mo itong intindihin. Mahal na mahal kita, simula nung tayo ay nagkakilala. Naiiyak at nalulungkot lang ako kasi hindi mo makita ang pagmamahal ko sa’yo. Wala kang tiwala sa Diyos at alam kong may galit ka pa sa akin. Nalulungkot talaga ako.Kapag dumating ang araw na gusto mo nang humingi ng tawad sa akin, sabihin mo lang, napatawad na kita kaagad.Malungkot at Mahal ka,Imary
He Said He’s Just A Boy…
One night in our conversation, I asked someone of a question– a question which he asked me first. Of course when he asked, I answered him… from my heart and truthfuly. When it was already the time for me to ask him of it, he said this exactly: “An adult question can not be answered by a minor/boy.” Ok fine. We are really far different. He thinks he’s just a boy… still a boy. He always gives me the reason to feel bad about him when I am in the mood. But still I am trying to reach out to him. I’m trying to love him still… because he needs it. But he does not understand my point. He always rely on his feelings. He said he’s just a “boy”. Doesn’t he has the sense of pursuit to manhood? I hate him for this. But I still want to show my love for him… because I pitty him a lot… really… But he always misunderstand it… Because he does not want to understand it.
Love and Self-Control
Some people I know know how vocal I am when it comes to my perspectives and thoughts, so as to my opinions and feelings. You, my faithful readers, might have been witnesses to this radical life of mine. When I am sad, I say it. When I am happy, I broadcast it. I love telling how I feel, what I feel. But didn’t you know that one of the best things in me is that I know how to control myself too? God thought me to be self-controlled even if it means stepping into my integrity and looking just too extreme for other people. I don’t care, really, about on what they will say or think of me. Sometimes, they think I am weak because I just simply sound silent when they speak of me..even negatively. I know it will going to be a failure on my part if would always mind to please others. So I’d better keep silent when mockeries and judgment come on my way. My business now, is how I will please God, the One whom everybody fears.
If it’s not with God’s teachings, you might have just seen me getting involved with quarrels. For as before, I am as bad as you could imagine–not allowing anyone to overtake my pride. Before, I could not control my lips especially when I am mad and hurt. It’s true that hurting people hurt also. But thank God, He is the one who controls my mind, my heart…my life. He transformed me into a new being, where love and self-control were included.
For me, self-control means patience and waiting. In some aspects of my life, I was taught to be patient enough and wait for His timing. Take for example, in romantic love.
Sparks fly.
I wont be hypocrite to say that in my everyday dealings of attractions with the opposite sex, I am an excuse one. I mean, I wont neglect the fact that I tend to be attracted with some people too (Tao rin naman ako!) Like, I get kilig when someone gives or treats me special. I appreciate those who admire me, honestly.. And I admire those who deserve to be admired by me. But I don’t let these things destruct my focus to God. I’d better give up my feelings than regret in the end. I know I’m too young, and there’s so much in life. I’m not yet ready for any commitment with someone. What I am really sure now is my commitment to Him above. I want to give my future spouse a favor, so I stopped playing games and fooling around; giving away my emotions and my heart more than once. Some view this as rejections for them, but I consider this as just being obedient to God and self-controlled. And I enjoy sharing my life and love with these people. Some chose to walk away from me, but I decided to stay and continually love them… as friends. It is not the society nor my own feelings that dictate me, but it’s God’s Word that I let my mind and heart control me. Though what I feel is far opposite with what God wants, I just surrender it to Him and let Him do the decision. Though at first it is hard, I just offer up my heart and let His Spirit guard it. Some time, when I am ready, then I could give my all to him, whom God has promised to me. Trust is all I need this time. Because I know that He knew best. Self-control.
“True love isn’t just expressed in passionately whispered words or an intimate kiss or an embrace; before two people are married, love is expressed in self-control, patience, even words left unsaid.”
Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye
