I Listened to My Heart in the Shower
“As I listened to the sound of water that created music to my ears, I also listened to my heart… I cried so hard yet silently, and could barely feel my tears touching my wet, warm face.”
This evening, I went to take a shower, as usual. Having been worried with all the things that happen to my life now, I decided to take a deep breath first, then asked God what to do and how to deal with my emotions. I noticed that I was always concentrating with my my feelings, rather than trusting God. I tend to worry and reach to a state of manic depression sometimes. In the morning, I get my highs, then during the evening was the opposite. My mind was a mixing bowl of emotions–name all those; I’ve got a salad of positive and negative sentiments to offer to you. At night when I go to bed, I always try to ask myself what in the world is happening to me. I, a sanguine during the day, suddenly turned into melancholic at night. Something negative from my heart must come out to relieve stress and despair. This is what I’ve been trying to figure out.
On the previous weeks and months, I tried to express myself but I couldn’t. It made me depressed and frustrated at times. I know what’s wrong is nothing on the external; what’s wrong was myself—something inside of me. I also felt being better yesterday than today, because I thought of being more significant in the past than in the the present. I realized that I should have not thought of it because as a child of God, I must become better everyday even if I live in a world that is actually getting worse.
*reflections*
So I opened the faucet and placed myself at the center of the bath tub. The cold water from the shower suddenly turned warmer. I sat like I was hugging my knees. I heard nothing but the sound of the water running through my head. As I listened to the sound of water that created music to my ears, I also listened to my heart. My heart said that once in a while, I can listen to him to figure out what’s wrong with my feelings—do not take this for granted because I won’t find any solution for that, only to know exactly what’s bothering me. Then I talked to God. I confessed what I needed to say to Him. I told Him how much I missed Him, and how much I’m having a problem with my self-esteem, thought management and everything. Soon the water gave a soft massage at my back. It reached my face and I could feel its warmth. I cried so hard yet silently, and could barely feel my tears touching my wet, warm face. I was feeling relieved, like a great junk from my heart came out. Before I couldn’t say what I wanted to say, but this time, I felt different.
I came out of the bathtub and brushed my teeth. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt kinda relieved. My heart spoke again and told me: “Don’t trust me, don’t trust your emotions. Trust Him who holds you and me.”
And then my eyes and the eyes from my reflection gazed at each other for a minute.
A Day on An Island
Do you know what I like to do for so long? One of them is to go to a place–in an island for one day, perhaps– where there’s no other people but only me. As I embrace the cold breeze that’s coming from the sea, I’d like to scream so loudly like I’ll never scream anymore. I know no one will hear me as I confide every single thing I dislike about my life. Nothing will respond to me, but only my echo, as I summon to the tides each pieces of me that I would like to disregard. I just want to cry and tell that some times in my life, like any other humans there, I feel so sad too and consider that life is so unfair.
No, this isn’t self-pitying. I don’t grumble about the ungrateful circumstances that happen to me. Sometimes, in order for you to be relieved from any feeling of grief, you just simply want to be alone and bring out all the angst you feel inside. Because I wanted relief, I always yearn to to be, even just a day, secluded from others; cry in the sand until afternoon and wait for the sun to set. But well I guess, the sunset will be the one to tell me that life is still beautiful despite all the tribulations I have. It’s truly the irony of life: When I feel everything is over, when I feel life really sucks, when I feel unappreciated, there are still wonderful things hidden from them. Like during the sunset, one could always conclude that the day is almost over. But isn’t it that one of the best parts of the day is on twilight? I don’t know with you, but as for me, I’ve always anticipated the sunset. It might be the end of a bright day, but it’s almost the onset of a cold night–the cold night that brings stars in heaven and makes every dreamer to sleep.
After this day of confessions of my awful situations, I could now go back to my real place and have fellowship with other people. Thank you for a day on that island. Thank you for the tides that washed away all my tears. Thank you for the birds’ chirpings that produced music during my melancholy. Thank you for the Lord who brought me there… even just a day.
