The True Cry of My Heart ♥

What could have been God’s feeling seeing the heart of His beloved daughter tearing apart while telling Him she loves Him so much?

Back to my room this afternoon, I was crying so hard. The other day, I cried too. Last Sunday morning was the start of another great realization that I am, again, in an emotional state (I hope I could express myself this time). Wondering what brings me in tears? I may not tell you every detail, but please, just try to understand me. This may sound ironic or odd, but thinking about my spiritual journey and my love for God makes me cry.

As a Christian, I am confused on what phase of my spiritual growth I am in right now. I’ve been feeling stuck with my faith since I got here in the U.S, although everything seems to be okay. But you know, what seems to be fine doesn’t mean always fine. I always try to find myself back again, and guess what, I find it, but the next day I’m losing it again.

Before that, let me tell you about how my Christian journey started. I used to be someone who never knew who Jesus was, and when I met Him, my life completely changed. It’s been more than two years since that first encounter happened (too much information, but I won’t really go with that). I was happy with my new life; I walked with so many people in my church and school. I could have walked with my family, but they were so against my new conversion. There was full of judgments and persecutions on my part. I was a tree thrown with many stones. However, they used to be like that, but I have overcome all these things by the power of God. There were too many emotional issues I had to deal with such as my relationship to my family and friends, and also attachments with some people. I could say that I really went through the fires of emotional sufferings (which sometimes led into physical sufferings too). However, I really grew a lot spiritually. After being tested on fire, I thought differently, and people around me saw me differently as well. I described myself as a gold from the furnace. Then after my first church encounter camp and after reading Joshua Harris’ book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I completely surrendered my life and emotions to God. Finally, I received my greatest spiritual breakthrough after being free from the emotions I used to hold dearly. I learned a lot from my home church, and God used me in my own school to have disciples. Everyday was worth celebrating for a new saved soul. Every morning was the best time of my day.

My relationship to God got more intimate when I received a promise from Him that I was going to the United States soon. Everyday, that promise of sending me to the U.S became more and more real in my life. I went through a lot of trials though–so many trials that I considered the greatest testing of my faith. It was amazing how God used those tests for me to become a living testimony to my friends and family. I learned to trust and worship Him midst the storms of my life, and I saw the silver light behind the dark clouds of my spiritual agony. The greatest thing I shared to everyone was the gift of love that I also received awhile back. God truly gave me the power to speak, write and stand before people while declaring the greatness of our Savior. Finally, after a long wait, the promised visa arrived, and 11 months ago, I arrived here in the U.S with so much dreams and hopes in my heart that God will truly use me more than He used me in the Philippines. At last, I felt that God gave me a break for awhile after arriving here. No more persecutions because my family had nothing to say about the blessings I received. I cannot elaborate more often, but hallelujah, I believe my whole family is now saved! Then my life becomes dandier than ever before. I’ve been attending to college with so many privileges since the first three months I was here. God truly blessed me because it’s part of the deal of His promises to me. Financially, God greatly blessed me, which I really did not imagine it will come very soon. I could not ask for more material things.

But what are silver and gold if my soul is rusting? How could I completely be happy with jewels and pearls if my heart is seeking for something intangible? I rarely communicated with my best friends, disciples and mentors whom I used to have fellowship with; the others, I completely lost my communication with. Some were always online but they seemed to be very different now. I wanted to share my struggles to them, like how I was struggling with finding a new church and with my new spiritual life, but it’s been hard. Only few remained, but I understood we have our own lives now, and we cannot talk all the time like how we used to do before. So I decided to seek new friends whom I could share about my faith. Thank God, I found Ate Sharie online. I looked for a church, but honestly, until now, I still didn’t find even one person here to personally lead me when it comes to spiritual aspects (I think this is one reason why I am not consistently attending in the church). I always try to connect with people even though we’re different, and if I feel uncomfortable, I still push through. If people still don’t care, I feel sad, but I must not self-pity or what (but I’m not saying that my new church mates are not caring. They’re great people… I hope you can understand this part).

Before I sleep, I always think of the first step I had when my Christian life started. Sometimes, I feel sad for thinking that I missed the things I was doing and even my own self that I used to be. I feel that now, although my life is happy in the morning, my joy is not complete. I could not reach the highest level of joy that I used to have before. I know that lack of reading the bible and going to church is a great factor, but if I read the Word and there’s no one I could share it with and there’s no one to motivate me, what good is that? The good thing is that no matter how the devil tries to tell me that no “no one cares about me now,” I always have this snap to reality that I have a great God who cares for me and loves me the most. I still don’t know at this moment how I’m going to work for God again if only few people are walking with me in this journey. Or am I just blinded? I don’t know. The reason why I’m writing this is to expose my emotional weakness and shout my spiritual needs. Today, I can describe that I am walking in a great valley of my Christian journey—so much flowers to pick and crops to harvest— where the sun is so up and the sky is so clear, but I could not completely enjoy the view and work because I walk alone and don’t have a new set of tools with me.

I also cry when I think of God loving me after all. But you know what, I could not explain how I feel when I think that I love God so much all these years, but I just can’t be consistent right now on going to church and doing my devotion. During my silent hours, I tell this to God: “Lord, I love You so much!”, and I start to cry like crazy with those simple words. Mixed emotions. I don’t know what exactly I’m feeling, but I understand that my heart is suddenly breaking when I realize that I am vulnerable of breaking His heart. What could have been God’s feeling seeing the heart of His beloved daughter tearing apart while telling Him she loves Him?

After this, I’m going back to my room again to sleep, this time with a bigger smile. I feel good after writing what I feel after so long. Although I have a lot of shortcomings to my relationship with the Lord, I believe that He knows my heart still beats and will forever beat for Him. Although I won’t speak, only those who are willing to listen and care for me will hear and understand the true cry of my heart.

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