I Was Better Yesterday…
8 months ago, I was really different. I don’t know if I was better during that time compared today or not. I should be better today than yesterday, but I realized I’m not.
I read my Yamii blog this afternoon. It’s a devotional blog I made like more than a year ago. Then now, it’s no longer updated. What made me cry at this moment are my articles from Archives September 2008, where I’ve written things about my emotional sufferings last year, particularly, before going here in US. My passion for writing and for God really showed as I wrote my holy grief and shared all my doubts and faith. When I was reading my articles, it’s like I was reading from someone else blog— someone who shares her faith to the Lord and strength despite all her tribulations. Now, I don’t know if I can see the Imari (who was known Yamii too) who can write and move the heart of people through her battles in life. My desire is to write and bring the glory of God to others; encourage them, break the differences among people, love and empathize to others and help them find hope and joy in Jesus. My readers who journeyed with me on my blogs know how about it.
After arriving here in US, a lot of things really changed. My relationship to God weakened; I felt so dry. I started not experiencing heavy problems, like everyday got light. I didn’t have to worry a lot for material things because as if everything was provided. In short, it seemed that I didn’t need God–I didn’t need to pray or cry before Him. I could not be easily convicted and I often sinned. I stopped doing my devotion, I didn’t want to go to the church. Well I guess my readers noticed that I stopped writing about my spiritual journey. God seemed to be so far from me.
I am not as better as yesterday. I was better yesterday.
I am here today in USA where as if everything is in me now—family, education and privilages. I’ve shared before that this is one of the greatest promises of God to me. He didn’t fail it and I can say that I’m already here in the promised land. But I want to tell you that until now, I am still wandering in this new land. I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what to do.
Until God reminded me His promises and my shared plans to Him before I got here through a an article last September 1, 2008. It was the time when I almost gave up in hoping for my visa to arrive but the Lord encouraged me to wait and hope for the good things.
Now, I don’t know how to start all over again. As I can see with my faith today, it gets weaken. But of course my desire for the Lord never ceases in me because I could barely feel His love for me. Maybe I just need to share again how I really feel to others. I also need people to advice and journey with me. I want to write purposefully again and touch others’ lives.
I need wisdom. I need God! I need to go back to the cross and start all over again. I need to be better than yesterday.
