The True Cry of My Heart ♥
What could have been God’s feeling seeing the heart of His beloved daughter tearing apart while telling Him she loves Him so much?
Back to my room this afternoon, I was crying so hard. The other day, I cried too. Last Sunday morning was the start of another great realization that I am, again, in an emotional state (I hope I could express myself this time). Wondering what brings me in tears? I may not tell you every detail, but please, just try to understand me. This may sound ironic or odd, but thinking about my spiritual journey and my love for God makes me cry.
As a Christian, I am confused on what phase of my spiritual growth I am in right now. I’ve been feeling stuck with my faith since I got here in the U.S, although everything seems to be okay. But you know, what seems to be fine doesn’t mean always fine. I always try to find myself back again, and guess what, I find it, but the next day I’m losing it again.
Before that, let me tell you about how my Christian journey started. I used to be someone who never knew who Jesus was, and when I met Him, my life completely changed. It’s been more than two years since that first encounter happened (too much information, but I won’t really go with that). I was happy with my new life; I walked with so many people in my church and school. I could have walked with my family, but they were so against my new conversion. There was full of judgments and persecutions on my part. I was a tree thrown with many stones. However, they used to be like that, but I have overcome all these things by the power of God. There were too many emotional issues I had to deal with such as my relationship to my family and friends, and also attachments with some people. I could say that I really went through the fires of emotional sufferings (which sometimes led into physical sufferings too). However, I really grew a lot spiritually. After being tested on fire, I thought differently, and people around me saw me differently as well. I described myself as a gold from the furnace. Then after my first church encounter camp and after reading Joshua Harris’ book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I completely surrendered my life and emotions to God. Finally, I received my greatest spiritual breakthrough after being free from the emotions I used to hold dearly. I learned a lot from my home church, and God used me in my own school to have disciples. Everyday was worth celebrating for a new saved soul. Every morning was the best time of my day.
My relationship to God got more intimate when I received a promise from Him that I was going to the United States soon. Everyday, that promise of sending me to the U.S became more and more real in my life. I went through a lot of trials though–so many trials that I considered the greatest testing of my faith. It was amazing how God used those tests for me to become a living testimony to my friends and family. I learned to trust and worship Him midst the storms of my life, and I saw the silver light behind the dark clouds of my spiritual agony. The greatest thing I shared to everyone was the gift of love that I also received awhile back. God truly gave me the power to speak, write and stand before people while declaring the greatness of our Savior. Finally, after a long wait, the promised visa arrived, and 11 months ago, I arrived here in the U.S with so much dreams and hopes in my heart that God will truly use me more than He used me in the Philippines. At last, I felt that God gave me a break for awhile after arriving here. No more persecutions because my family had nothing to say about the blessings I received. I cannot elaborate more often, but hallelujah, I believe my whole family is now saved! Then my life becomes dandier than ever before. I’ve been attending to college with so many privileges since the first three months I was here. God truly blessed me because it’s part of the deal of His promises to me. Financially, God greatly blessed me, which I really did not imagine it will come very soon. I could not ask for more material things.
But what are silver and gold if my soul is rusting? How could I completely be happy with jewels and pearls if my heart is seeking for something intangible? I rarely communicated with my best friends, disciples and mentors whom I used to have fellowship with; the others, I completely lost my communication with. Some were always online but they seemed to be very different now. I wanted to share my struggles to them, like how I was struggling with finding a new church and with my new spiritual life, but it’s been hard. Only few remained, but I understood we have our own lives now, and we cannot talk all the time like how we used to do before. So I decided to seek new friends whom I could share about my faith. Thank God, I found Ate Sharie online. I looked for a church, but honestly, until now, I still didn’t find even one person here to personally lead me when it comes to spiritual aspects (I think this is one reason why I am not consistently attending in the church). I always try to connect with people even though we’re different, and if I feel uncomfortable, I still push through. If people still don’t care, I feel sad, but I must not self-pity or what (but I’m not saying that my new church mates are not caring. They’re great people… I hope you can understand this part).
Before I sleep, I always think of the first step I had when my Christian life started. Sometimes, I feel sad for thinking that I missed the things I was doing and even my own self that I used to be. I feel that now, although my life is happy in the morning, my joy is not complete. I could not reach the highest level of joy that I used to have before. I know that lack of reading the bible and going to church is a great factor, but if I read the Word and there’s no one I could share it with and there’s no one to motivate me, what good is that? The good thing is that no matter how the devil tries to tell me that no “no one cares about me now,” I always have this snap to reality that I have a great God who cares for me and loves me the most. I still don’t know at this moment how I’m going to work for God again if only few people are walking with me in this journey. Or am I just blinded? I don’t know. The reason why I’m writing this is to expose my emotional weakness and shout my spiritual needs. Today, I can describe that I am walking in a great valley of my Christian journey—so much flowers to pick and crops to harvest— where the sun is so up and the sky is so clear, but I could not completely enjoy the view and work because I walk alone and don’t have a new set of tools with me.
I also cry when I think of God loving me after all. But you know what, I could not explain how I feel when I think that I love God so much all these years, but I just can’t be consistent right now on going to church and doing my devotion. During my silent hours, I tell this to God: “Lord, I love You so much!”, and I start to cry like crazy with those simple words. Mixed emotions. I don’t know what exactly I’m feeling, but I understand that my heart is suddenly breaking when I realize that I am vulnerable of breaking His heart. What could have been God’s feeling seeing the heart of His beloved daughter tearing apart while telling Him she loves Him?
After this, I’m going back to my room again to sleep, this time with a bigger smile. I feel good after writing what I feel after so long. Although I have a lot of shortcomings to my relationship with the Lord, I believe that He knows my heart still beats and will forever beat for Him. Although I won’t speak, only those who are willing to listen and care for me will hear and understand the true cry of my heart.
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The Need to Walk With Others
Although you now know that God is completely walking in your life, you still need others to walk with you, and of course, be sure that you walk with them too.
Who can live by his own? No one. Who can love without other people involved? No one. Who can be a giver without a receiver? No one. No one could ever walk on the roads of life if he’s just walking alone. A lot of people live independently but not that they live in isolation or with no companions at all. We are human beings and we are political in nature. We need others to survive even if we have all the resources available around us. We have so many needs but I’d like to focus on our need to walk with others, specifically, walking in our spiritual journey.
But before that, you cannot have the spiritual journey if your spirit is dead. Naturally, our spirit is dead even if our body is alive because of our sins, for what the bible says, “For the wages of sin is death… (Romans 6:23)”, and no one is exempted, for “all have sinned and fall short the glory of God (Romans 3:23)”. So, you are not sure if your spirit is alive and ready to walk now, aren’t you? There is only one way that will make it alive and enjoy this journey of life and even after this life that you have now. And that is only through Jesus, “the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6)”. You cannot go to the Father if not through Him. If you will continue reading Romans 6:23, you will discover that God is giving you a gift of eternal life that is in Jesus Christ. So what you’re gonna do now is take a moment with God and ask for his forgiveness and claim the salvation that He promised by simply confessing that Jesus is your Lord and Savior, who will work in your life. Remember that God loved the world, according to John 3:16, including you, so He sent His beloved Son for you to live eternally. All you have to do is believe and have faith in Jesus. Be sure that it’s with all your heart. God knows what’s in your heart anyway. Isn’t it amazing? You can now secure your salvation!
This is only the first step to a thousand miles of your spiritual journey. Now that your spirit is alive, you are ready for an expedition. You used to have a trip to hell until you did my instructions above—until you accepted Jesus in your heart. Now you need spiritual people to walk with you. Although you now know that God is completely walking in your life, you still need others to walk with you, and of course, be sure that you walk with them too. Take time to think about this new path you are going to. Don’t worry; this is a sure path to a good life—a path to eternal life, as promised by God. Talk with people about their and your faith. Get ready for change.
For those who have been spiritual journeying, it is important that you walk with others and most importantly, with God. You can spend 24/7 reading your bible but you can’t completely grow with that. There’s no way that you can share the love that Jesus taught and other Christian doctrines if you segregate yourself from others. It is also essential to give special attentions to those who greatly need affection and care. Always be a friend for those who can’t befriend. But remember that our motivation must be “Jesusly” or “Jesusful” (got it? hehe).
Let’s us then spiritually journey together.
*All cited biblical texts (New International Version) are from Bible Gateway, retrieved at www.biblegateway.com in September 22, 2009. Copyright.
Thank You, Jesus…
Thank you, Jesus, for making me okay after the past couple of weeks that I wrote on this blog and cried and pitied myself and lost hope and thought negatively and even blamed myself. Thank you, I love.
Nanghihina talaga ako sa aking kalakasan…
Nakakalungkot…
walang masyadong makausap ng masinsinan pagdating sa usapang pang-ispiritual. Lord, kailangan ko ng spiritual breakthrough! Namimiss ko ang dati kong ginagawa sa Pilipinas. Namimiss ko ang mga kaibigan ko na nakasama kong dumaan sa mga obstacles ng aming ministeryo at pagdarasal para sa aming mga pamilya. Kailan ba matatapos itong season ng buhay kong ito? I feel coldness in a sunny day. Lord di’ba pangako mo sa akin ang America? Unti-unti nang natutpad ang mga pangarap ko; ang makapag-aral dito upang mas lalong gumanda ang aking buhay. Kasama ko na ang pamilya ko. Maganda ang mga nangyayari pero feeling ko hindi ko deserve ang mga ito sapagkat alam ko sa sarili ko na madalas na akong lumabag sa Iyo. Ngunit paano ko gagawing muli ang mga bagay na nagawa ko dati gaya na lamang ng pagsisilbi sa’yo ng buong buhay ko? Sa tingin ko hindi ko na naibibigay ang buong puso ko sa’yo. In love ako sa’yo,Lord eh. pero hindi ko maipakita sa’yo yun ngayon… Nalulungkot ako dahil alam kong napapalungkot kita. ano’ng gagawin ko??? Kailangan ko rin naman ng may mga makakasama.hindi ko na alam kung paano ako gagalaw ulit . Magaan naman dapat ang mga bagay-bagay ngunit mabigat sa loob ko. Nahihiya na akong humarap sa’yo. Nahihiya na talaga ako. hindi ko na alam ang mga sasabihin ko. Alam ko para sa iba siguro napakababaw nitong bagay na nagpapalungkot sa akin. Pero parang ang lalim para sa akin. Gusto kong umiyak Lord, pero kanino ko iiyak ito? hindi ko iniisip na na iniwanan mo ako, bagkus, iniisip ko na iniwanan kita. In love talaga ako sa’yo Lord eh. Mahal talaga kita. Patawarin mo ako kung ganito na ako mag-isip ngayon. Sabi ng isang kaibigan ko, basta may Hesus ako, alam kong hindi ako magkukulang. Lord,patawarin nyo ako pero pakiramdam ko nagkukulang na ako. Hindi kita sinisisi, sinisisi ko ang sarili ko. Lord,ayoko na.Sasabog na ang dibdib ko. alam ko namang bukas wala na ulit ito. PEro pag dating ng gabi, bumabalik ang lungkot na hindi ko matanto. nahihirapan akong mag-express.. nahihirapan talaga ako. nahihirapan na ako sa sariliko. Nahihiya na talaga akong lumapit sa’yo. Lord,maniwala ka sa akin, mahal na mahal na mahal kita. Lord, patawarin mo ako kung nagseself-pity ako.
PAdalhan nyo ako ng mga taong tatapik sa balikat ko. Nalulungkot ako.Nararamdaman ko na malakas ako ngunit napakahina ko. Kailangan ko ng aalalay sa akin para ako ay makapag-alalay.
Nanghihina na talaga ako sa aking kalakasan…
Naiiyak na ako…
:( :(
